By Connie W., Wisconsin

  

I Call Her
          "Serenity"

    As a child when things got quiet it meant my over-protective mother was keeping secrets and my father's frozen emotions were chilling my heart. Quiet also meant, "I'm disappointed with you!" When I was seven, quiet came in the form of a scary monster that played hide-and-seek with my emotions. I learned early to guard myself from this monster.
      Following my parents' divorce, quiet meant the absence of loved ones. My father lived 600 miles away. He never called or visited. Struggling to feed us, my mother worked long hours. My siblings and I knew our mother loved us, but we also knew that coming home to a silent house meant Mom was asleep. The silence felt like abandonment, but I replaced it with television, jokes and even arguments.
      My life became my work and my work became my life. When things were quiet in my career, I felt unaccepted. I thought of life as a test that I desperately needed to pass. Wearing many masks, I soon lost myself in the image I created. I had an ever-hungry ego and unrealistic expectations.
      As a wife and mother, the quiet meant my husband was outside drinking, the kids were finally in bed, and I was utterly alone. The quiet became a very noisy place for me as the screaming voices in my head told me things I didn't want to hear--they reminisced, rebuked, warned, and confused me. My emotional monster still held secrets and I felt more abandoned and doubtful than ever before, until all that quiet finally broke me.
      As a grateful member of Al-Anon, when things get quiet it means I am serene and living in the moment. In my quiet there are no longer any secrets because I am working the Steps. Now I know I am not alone. Others have been where I've been and my Higher Power will never abandon me.
      A quiet confidence that comes from using the tools of the program--such as the slogans, literature, and phone calls--has replaced my doubt. After I've listened to and shared all the noisy voices in my head with my Sponsor and then Al-Anon friends, I let go!
      Quiet is now a most welcome friend. I call her "Serenity." When she comes, I embrace her, accept her, and cherish her. My life and my home may not always be the quietest of places, but deep within me serenity has found a home and I have found recovery.

Sneaking in the Back Door
                                                                                        By Andrea G., California

       I came to Al-Anon to stay out of my boyfriend's business. I was in another Twelve Step program so I knew I was the problem, but I needed a program that focused on relationships. My guy said he was an aloholic--he hadn't had a drink in 16 years--so I used that to sneak in the back door. I didn't feel I was qualified to be in Al-Anon because my life was free of any real alcoholics.
      When I read the book, How Al-Anon Works, I discovered many people in my life had a drinking problem! The list included my dad, granddad, almost every guy I ever dated, and many close friends. I just thought my life was normal because I didn't know any different. Then I realized I qualified to attend Al-Anon.
      Growing up, I lived in a chaotic household. My mom was a monster who drove my dad to drink. She hated me because I was worthless. My dad was unhappy so he drank and was mean to me. That's what I thought about my mom and dad.
      The most amazing thing happened in Al-Anon. Listening to the wives of alcoholics share their thoughts, feelings, and actions, I realized my mom didn't drive my dad to drink. She didn't rage at me because she was a monster or because I was worthless, but because she was living in active alcoholism and had no tools to deal with the situation. The more I heard my mom's side of the story--through Al-Anon members sharing their experience, strength, and hope--the more compassion I felt for her.
      As my memories became more objective, I realized love motivated my mom's actions toward. She just didn't have the skills to communicate her love to me. As I cane to understand the disease, my heart melted. Not only did I feel love for my mom, but I felt her love for me. Amazingly, I even felt love for myself! I was unable to love myself unconditionally when I thought my mom didn't love me. I came to Al-Anon to keep the relationship with my boyfriend, and Al-Anon gave me a relationship with my mom! Changing my attitude and perspective really changed my world.



     
 A Family Again                           By Anonymous                                
       My son was 17 when he first started using drugs. At first I thought he was just trying something new. As a child of the 60's, Ithought drugs were better than drinking beer. When my son's behavior changed and he got into trouble with the law, my life certainly became unmanageable.
      I fell to my knees, surrendering before I ever heard of Al-Anon. I was terror stricken and desperate and had no idea what was happening to my son. I was unaware of what alcoholism and addiction really meant to a family--how it tore a family apart with blame, anger, indecision, and loss.
      When my son entered an outpatient program, my husband and I went to the group sessions for parents where we heard about Al-Anon and the disease of alcoholism. I began to see that I had a problem, too, because I was not living a healthy and rewarding life. The people in the sessions said I could go to Al-Anon to help myself. I went on a Saturday just to find the meeting place and check it out. When I peeked in the room, I saw that the meeting was just breaking up. Everyone was smiling. They looked happy and were hugging each other. I remember thinking, "I want to feel that way!" I left without speaking to anyone, but returned a week later and have been going twice a week ever since.
      Al-Anon changed my life. I discovered my parents were children of alcoholics, and that answered a lot of questions about my childhood. The lying, manipulation, paranoia, and lack of affection began to make sense and I could let go of some of my resentments. Now I know my parents did the best they could. They did not have Al-Anon.
      I've found a new confidence--a sense of peace. I feel guidance from within me that I had always wanted from others. I'm working on changing the patterns of behavior I learned as a young child, because those behaviors no longer work for me. Some of my habits are hard to change after 50 years, but it is well worth the effort. The support of the group is always with me. The out-patient program did not cure my son, but we are a family again.
      
From The Forum, July 2005.
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.